Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize