I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
