I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
