New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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