Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
