Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
