I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
