took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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