If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
