I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize
