The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
