Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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