Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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