i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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