Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
