At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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