I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
