I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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