dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize