I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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