I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
