jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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