I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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