It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
