I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize