sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
