You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
