mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
