Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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