Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
We're too hungover to prance.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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