I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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