dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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