I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
