I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
