i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
