Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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