dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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