I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
