Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
