So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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