I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
