I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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