At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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