He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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