Swine flu. Run for my life!
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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