have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
