so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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