My first STD was from a foam party
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
