Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
