im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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