Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
