I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
