If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize