Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
