i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize