I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize