last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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