i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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