I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
