I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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