If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
