Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
