dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
