The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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