Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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