I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
